Voldemort and the Half Blood Scorcerer's Chamber
by I Am Ginny Potter
Summary: One day flippin’ Ralph Fiennes is being all evil with his snake face and all sitting in Barnes and Noble on the day of the 7th book release drinking an iced mocha and saying to himself, “Wow, I am most definitely badass crazy Ralph Fiennes.I kill babies.
1. The Story Begins

DISCLAIMER:

I don't own anything. I don't pretend to own any of these characters or anything that is related to this. I hope this disclaimer suffices. I ALSO DON'T OWN THIS SCREEN NAME. It's on loan by a friend…

If you like what you read…and you will…perhaps an account is in the near future

Dedicated to bffffffffff Saron. You little nerd you!

**_SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!:_**

This HAS SPOILERS FOR THE 7th BOOK. If you don't want to be confused or have things ruined its best not to read. Even though this is possibly the best story ever written.

**Ralph Fiennes AND THE HALF BLOOD SCORCERER'S PHEONIX IN THE CHAMBER OF THE GOBLET OF ASKABAN…DEATHLY HOLLOWS.**

Okay, so one day flippin' Ralph Fiennes is being all evil with his snake face and all sitting in Barnes and Noble on the day of the 7th book release drinking an iced mocha and saying to himself, "Wow, I am most definitely badass crazy Ralph Fiennes. I kill little baby children and have a snake face."

From behind the counter the pubescent little starbucks café employee scowls. He is and has been clearly annoyed by Lord Fiennes' audible ranting that has been non stop for the last few days.

"What? You wanna play?! 'Cause this playa don't play, bitch! I kill babies! And don't understand love! That's hardcore, alright!" Ralph yells towards the sad little cashier.

"Listen, Sir, its just that you come in here everyday and like for the past few weeks don't order anything and upset the other costumers." Squeaks the oh-so-alternative starbucks employee.

"Hey! You know what?! You better back on off because its summertime and nothing mutha effing happens in harry potter land during the summertime. Its actually very annoying and convenient, okay!"

"Sir, please stop yelling."

"God damn it!"

"Sir, that wasn't necessary."

"Do you see this!? I have a mutha effin snake face! You don't mess with that! You don't mess with someone who has a snake slash human face! Because it most definitely leads to that person being evil. Mother Theresa didn't have a snake face and she was very nice!" And with that crazy Ralph Fiennes stands violently knocking over the sleak yet functional café chair and briskly storms into the endless isles of literature.

The totally over it cashier then goes back to his measly duty of creating scrumptious coffee like drinks. Peace seems to settle over the Barnes and Noble, but it doesn't last long. Ralph Fiennes comes tromping back, 7th book in hand, lifts his fallen chair and sits royally upon it.

"I'm friggin' Ralph Fiennes, I don't need this." He mutters to himself, trying to keep his maleficent cool. He flipps vigorously to the end of the book.

"Are you ever going to buy one of those?" Quips the cashier because he is so defiant in his teenage angst.

"Are you ever going to tell your parents you're gay?"

"Society accepts me!"

"My Chemical Romance is playing at the Pond, you should go and cut yourself."

The melancholy adolescent rolls his eyes and goes to the back room of the café. In the break room he is apathetically greeted by college kids that he desperately wants approval from. "Whats up?" Asks one of the cools cats sitting on a fold out chair.

"That jerk off is back again. Its pissing me off."

"Oh, Ralph Fiennes?"

"Yeah."

Back on the café floor Mr. Fiennes diligently reads the action packed conclusion of the witchy saga. The book Mecca is silent with Harry Potter fans deep in concentration on Rowling's biblical words. Peace is restored once more. "Alan Rickman dies!" he pronounces abruptly.

"Jesus!" Exasperates a clear Potter fan boy. The rest of the café, and store for that matter, sighs and grunts in a final frustrated outburst.

"What the F!?" Cries Ralph as he throws the book down. "This sucks ass!" And with that he briskly makes for the door and exits dramatically throwing the remains of the iced mocha to the floor. Robes fluttering in the wind, because there is constant wind around you when you're crazy badass.

Meanwhile at the magic potions laboratory at Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and such Alan Rickman pours colorful fluid from one tube to another. "I am Snape, the Potions Master." Mid mumble he is interrupted by profuse knocking at the wooden old looking door.

The impatient visitor then tries wriggling the door handle. "Muther F!" A voice yells behind the door, clearly frustrated by its complicated workings. Alan Rickman just stares blankly at the ruckus. "Friggin…It's me! Unlock the thing." Says the voice.

"Oh Christ Ralph." Alan Rickman realizes who it is and sets down his work and slowly moves towards the door. He tries the handle. "Let go."

"What?"

"Let go… of the thing."

"I did."

"No, because I can't open it."

"I thought you unlocked it?"

"I can't when you pull on the handle."

"Now?"

"Yeah, wait, shit the safety locks."

"What!?"

"I said wait!"

"Effin hell!"

"Stop bitching!"

"Come on Alan, expellie armus or whatever the frick."

"What? That doesn't even make sense. Did you say frick?"

"I am going to mutha effin death curse you. That'll hurt like a bitch."

"Yes, Ralph, I will be dead."

"You got it now?"

"Yeah."

Ralph Fiennes opens the door…magically…with his hands…like everyone else in the world and Alan goes back to his Snape duties of potions and crap. "Okay, what the F? So you die!" Ralph frankly spills to BFF Alan Rickman, who continues to pour colorful fluid back and forth from one tube to the other….you know, magically. "You read it?" Alan Rickman says so apathetic that, friggin', it like _makes_ you care.

"Well, yeah! Then I like vomitted and through it across the room,"

"You die to you know?"

"No fuckin way."

"What, you didn't get that far?" He says sarcastically.

"How the hell did you? It came out less than 12 hours ago."

"You just started at the end didn't you?"

"Come one, the rest of that BS doesn't flippin' matter."

"You STARTED at the end and couldn't even finish?" He laughs.

"Yeah, just a tad concerned for your death. That's how selfless I am."

"You're so full of shit."

"What are you doing here anyway? At the school or whatever."

"The other movies don't state where I go during the summer."

"It doesn't say in the books?"

"Fuck if I know. I don't read 'em. Did you find out the part where I'm a like double agent or whatever on Dumbledore's side and I was totally screwing you over?"

"Whaaaaaaattt? No I just saw that you died and got pissed. That friggin' wiener doesn't live right? 'Cause he had to die to kill me or something."

"Wiener? Mature."

"Hey! I'm a mutha effin Dark Lord. People can't even say my name I am that crazy badass."

Alan Rickman puts down his workings and finally looks at Ralph Fiennes in the face…in the snake like but kind of human face. Alan continues, "So by 'wiener' you mean protagonist of the entire series for which it's named?"

"Yeah…he dies pleeeeaaaassseee tell me he dies."

"He does but then comes back to life and kills you…kind of…you kill yourself in a way."

"What!?"

"Can you not say 'what' every five seconds?" Severus Rickman goes back to his potions.

"That is so cliché!"

"Come on. Seriously? Do you think she would kill him off? She would have torrids of fan people pillaging her home…it's a classic good vs. evil thing."

"The bible is good vs. evil and Jesus dies!"

"You're comparing Harry Potter to the Bible?"

"This sucks hardcore…we have to kill that bitch."

"Yeah, I guess."

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(REVIEW please! Shall I continue with this epic adventure? Until next time my friends….until next time…..) 


	2. The Badass Plot Unfolds or Whatever

**The Badass Plan Unfolds or Whatever**

Alright so the Dark Ralph Lord Fiennes is super pissed after talking with Alan Rickman about what will happen at the end of the 7th book. So he's all, "God damn it this is such a bitch!" As he is sitting in his single bedroom apartment in Soho…the one in England or something not the one in New York. "Whatever, I totally have a flippin' migraine now because of that little tool with the stupid ass glasses and a scar like a lighting bolt. I mean how gay right!" Ralph Fiennes is so pissed at this point that yet again he is ranting out loud.

Suddenly there is a pounding from the wall behind him. He is so surprised he jumps off the couch he was sitting on. "Holy shit. That surprised me so much I friggin' jumped off the couch I was sitting on." Says Ralph…to himself…yet again.

"Stop yelling over there you prick!" Screams an old raspy female voice from behind the wall.

"Hey! I will flippin kill your family and eat them in front of you. This is my apartment I will yell when I want!"

The old lady's laughter is heard even in Mr. Fiennes apartment.

"Do you know how badass I am Mrs. Baily?! I will kick a puppy in the face, video tape it and send that tape to your grandchild on his 5th birthday!" Says Ralph Fiennes.

"Yeah, Okay, just shut up with you damn bitching."

"That's right! I win, because you know why? I needed friggin blood from my enemy to resurrect myself from being like a half dead fetus looking thing! You don't mess with that!" And with that the old woman from next door was so done with Ralph Fiennes' incessant power trip that she didn't bother to respond. "Mother F. People around here I swear." He continues to himself as he sits back down on his couch, which conveniently converts into a bed for those times when guests need to spend the night. "Whatever, I'm over it. What's on my Tivo?"

Ralph Fiennes scrolls through his many recordings looking for just the right show to distract him from the complications of life. "Ah, flip! I need to remember to record So You Think You Can Dance tonight. It's the results show. Yes! Man vs. Wild! Thank Jesus I recorded that! I'm so watching it. I love Bear Grylls, he's mother effing crazy!"

Just then the phone rings. "Christ on a Biscuit! Piss offfffffff!" Ralph moans as he makes his way over to the phone in the kitchen. He picks it up and looks at the caller ID. "Oh, it's Alan Rickman. I should answer it he probably wants to discuss how we are going to try to not die and kill that Radcliff tool. Uhhhhh, but he totally talks like 9 years just to say one thing! I'll let the machine get it." By the time it took for Ralph Fiennes to deliberate to himself whether or not to pick up the phone it was too late and the machine takes a message. "Hi, this is Ralph Fiennes if your calling to be one of my dark minions call the business line if not then leave a message. I might call you back." And with that the machine beeps. "BEEEEP," says the machine.

"Fuck. Ralph, pick up the phone. I know you are there because what else would you have to do. I'll leave a long ass message then and take up the whole five minute maximum recording time…."

"Don't be an asshole." Sir Fiennes picks up the phone…oh joy.

"What are you doing?"

"Watching the discovery channel."

"You're a douche Ralph."

"I swear to holy Jesus, Rickman, I will stab you in the heart."

"Cute. Listen, what are you doing tonight?"

"I might have plans."

"Oh, who am I kidding, it you, you don't have a life. Meet me in the magical forest or whatever."

"I have to get my dark scary robes dry cleaned. I have nothing to wear"

"Ralph. I swear to you. You know what fine; I'll just call Gary Oldman."

"You wouldn't!"

"Yeah, we're tight like that. He doesn't patronize me."

"Listen, Severus Poop face, you need to get your own life and stop clinging to me. I say this because I'm your friend."

"Your cunning wit astounds me. I'm going to go then."

"No! Oldman's a flippin wuss."

"HE doesn't piss and moan."

"Okay, whatever! Where do you wanna meet?"

"The magical fucking forest weren't you listening!?"

"But we go there every time we hang out."

"I'm not arguing with you anymore Lord Bitch-a-lot."

"Fine at eight then."

"Yeah."

"And seriously, don't bring Gary. He's a mutha effin Debbie Downer."

"Bye Ralph." And with that Alan Rickman hangs up…thank Jesus…because Fiennes is being a pain in the ass. "Uhhhh, he bugs hardcore sometimes!" Complains Ralph…to himself…like usual…because he's PMSing or something.

So Alan Snape and Ralph Voldemort plan to meet in this magical forest to hang out and discuss how to stop the end of the 7th book from happening. After taking like seventeen years to get ready the wonderful Mr. The one whose name is never said…or something…is finally ready. As he starts to exit the door a mysterious force inhibits him from crossing the apartment door threshold. "Friggin', bitch! What now?" Drones Fiennes. Little does he know that the mysterious force stopping him from leaving is none other than his own ego…which has become to large to fit through the damn door.

Meanwhile Alan Rickman sits on a tree stop in the wondrous forest of magic and wonder. Suddenly from within the trees there is a loud crackle of branches and rustling. "Are you kidding me with this?" A not-so-mysterious voice cries out into the night.

"Ralph, what the hell is your problem?" Says Alan. Ralph Fiennes enters into the clearing covered in twigs and crap and Alan Rickman laughs because Ralph is such a prick.

"I have like moss and shit in my robes of death."

"Shall I send for a violinist?"

"So what plan did you come up with?"

"Figures you wouldn't even contrive of thinking of one yourself. And, oh yeah, I don't have one." Says Rickman as Fiennes tries to preen himself of the magical foliage he's covered in. Just at that moment a dark mist surround the two besties and rises into a dark shape. The shape then turns into Jason Isaacs and now he's in the forest too. "Oh Jason Isaacs. I totally forgot you were in these movies." Says Alan Rickman.

"Yeah me too." Retorts Jason Isaacs.

"You're both retarded." Chips in Fiennes….of course.

"He's a clever one." Isaacs says as he turns to Rickman

"Hah, yeah, a surprise in every box." Responds Rickman, oh-so-dryly, to Isaacs.

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(Shall I continue, children??? Let me know...that means REVIEW...I can't friggin get anyone to pay attention long enough!) 


	3. Still Planning

**Still Planning…**

Where was I? Oh yeah, so they are in the woods. By "they" I mean Alan Rickman, Ralph Fiennes and Jason Isaacs.

"Anyway, more to the point," Rickman Snape draws the trio into focusing," We were going to make some sort of plan."

"So that's what this is about?" Says Isaacs.

"Well, I guess. I mean, I have come to terms with it but captain wonderful here hasn't, naturally."

The enraged Fiennes then proceeds to throw a hissy fit, "Hey! I don't wanna mutha effin die at least with that retard not dying too. I could take the bitch down with me…at _least_."

Jason Isaacs turns to Alan Rickman, "Bitch? He means Harry Potter, then."

"Precisely," Rickman answers rolling his eyes.

"Wait, you're one of my little followers, I will kill you with magic! You best watch it!" Threatens Fiennes to Jason Isaacs…scarily.

"This is going know where…" says Isaacs Malfoy to Alan Snape.

"Such is life. Sorry, I'm a bit drained after waiting in these fucking woods for five hours!"

"I didn't take that muther effing long, negative nancy." Snaps Fiennes.

"I don't even need to be here, I live. In fact we come to find out towards the end of the book that I have redeeming qualities. I'm going to leave." Huffs Isaacs.

"Yeah, go take care of your flippin freak albino son. He might need his diaper changed." Bitches Fiennes to Jason Issacs.

"He's serious? When he says that stuff…he's serious?" Says Isaacs looking questionably to Rickman.

"Just go." Waves Alan Rickman from his stoop. His head is now in his hands because a Ralph induced migraine. "Go, its ok. I'm a professional at handling his pretentiousness."

"Ok, well, good luck Alan." He says sincerely to him. "Bye Ralph." He mutters quickly under his breath before poofing away in his dark smoke stuff. It's so magical.

Now the dynamic duo is by themselves in the magical forest. Fiennes is pacing and Alan is on the verge of a mental breakdown. It's now 12:30 at night. Dark Lord of PMS looks as though he's about to say something when Alan puts up his hand for him to shut up. Fiennes becomes angry and flings out his wand pointing it menacingly at a non responsive Rickman. "What…..are you going…..to do…with _that_?" Rickman groans head facing the forest floor.

"Damn it! I am a Lord! A Dark Lord! That means I'm God Damn badass powerful! You don't get titled Lord for being a puss. I will spell you to death, with spells, and curse spells, of death…and destruction."

There is a moment of silence and stillness….then….Alan mutters something "Ffroot em."

"What?" Fiennes snaps still holding his "spell casting" postion

"Bloody, _shoot_ him!" Alan Rickman lifts his head abruptly throwing his hands up, "give me that!" He growls snatching the stupid wand from Ralph's hand.

"Wait a minute…" Fiennes steps back hesitantly. "What?"

Alan stares at him with intense "are you stupid" eyes.

"No, wait. Like shoot him with, like that laser looking ish that comes from my wand, like when I battle?"

"Just, shoot the damn kid Ralph." Rickman stands rubbing his but and starts to walk away. Fiennes chases after him.

"Naw, naw hold up. I'm a friggin evil warlock of death and mayhem; I kill children and have no soul! I'm the most powerful wizard in the muther effing land!"

"What! That's like being the fastest kid with cerebral palsy, Ralph, Christ. Get over it and shoot him."

"Maybe I will." Ralph says defiantly stopping to stand his ground.

"Okay." Rickman keeps walking

"Hey!" He calls out to Alan. "What the hell is up with you!?"

"I'm old Ralph, like in wizard years yeah your like 2,000 or something but look at my IMDB page…I'm like 60. I can't be up scheming evil plans until 1:00 in the morning."

"But…"

"Go home, Ralph." And with that, clutching his ass, Snape walks off into the distance. Leaving a rather shattered Tom Ralph Voldemort Fiennes Riddle…Dark Lord.

(Guess I'm just going to just keep writing…with know encouragement from others….REVIEW!!! Jesus!...what? I mean happiness and puppies, children!)


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